6 months today…

August 18, 2023

6 months today.

I’d like to say it’s gone by quickly.

I’d like to say I’ve started moving on from my grief and guilt.

I’d like to say I’ve accepted everything that happened and am now at peace with it.

I’d like to say I still don’t have periods where I suddenly burst into tears, or feel my heart pounding like a drum line marching o n a football field.

I’d like to say I am moving on. That I’m not paralyzed at times with indecision, or making choices I will either come to regret or instantly do.

I’d really like to say my life has finally gotten manageable again.

But I can’t.

I can’t say any of those things and be telling the truth.

What I can say is that I am taking it one day – sometimes one hour – at a time.

What I can say, truthfully, is that talking about it helps. Saying my feelings aloud not only validates them but fills me with a strange sense of purpose.

What I can say, is that each day is slightly better than the day before.

What I’ll never be able to say is that I don’t miss my mother.

Because I do. Every hour of every day.

Despite our tortured relationship…maybe even because of it…I miss her.

Terribly.

I miss the crazy malapropisms she unconsciously made almost daily.

I miss the way she’d ask me a thousand questions about the same thing.

I miss the way she referred to herself in third person when she was speaking hypothetically.

Does it make me sound crazy to say I miss fighting with her? Verbally sparring with her? Getting her to understand a different point of view than just hers?

I’m sad she only got to meet her great-grandson once.

I’m sad she’ll never meet her great-granddaughter when she arrives this winter.

I’m sad she’s not around to cook for anymore.

I’m just…sad.

6 months today.

The time flew by in a blink and yet dragged mercilessly.

6 months today…