Tag Archives: #survivingloss

2025 publishing schedule

As you can see by the above graphic, I’ve been busy. I’ve got 10 releases coming this year – 7 full length novels and 3 novellas. The first drops on Monday.

THE VOICE OF ANGELS is book 1 in the MacQuire Women series.

Love is the last thing Carly Lennox is looking for when she sets out on her new book tour. The independent, widowed author is content with a life spent writing and raising her daughter. When newscaster Mike Woodard suggests they work on a television profile based on her book, Carly’s thrilled, but guarded. His obvious desire to turn their relationship into something other than just a working one is more than she bargained for.

Mike Woodard is ambitious, and not only in his chosen profession. He wants Carly, maybe more than he’s ever wanted anything or anyone else. And, as he tells her, he’s a patient man and can wait until she’s ready to be involved with a man again.

But the more they’re together, Mike realizes it isn’t simply desire beating within him. Carly Lennox is the missing piece in his life. Getting her to accept it-and him-may just be the toughest assignment he’s ever taken on.

Preorders are up for the entire series and I’m releasing one new book per month from January to May, so go ahead and check them out. They’ll be available in print, Kindle, and KU ( for the first time!)

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It’s been a rough few years…

As we close out 2024, I’m sitting here in my office, trying to put down what I’m feeling just so I can get a handle on my emotions.

It’s 2 a.m. – my usual writing time, and my entire body is filled with so much immeasurable…sadness.

The holidays officially ended tonight and a new year has begun ( in the time zone I live in, anyway), and as I look back on 2024 and the few years prior to it, I can’t help but simply cry.

Most of the emotion is coming from the fact that I miss my mother. Horribly. With each holiday that goes by, Mother’s Day, Christmas, Easter, and her favorite St. Patrick’s day, sadness consumes my soul and squeezes until I am choking, literally, with tears.

She missed out on so much that has happened since she passed away, suddenly, in 2022. Watching her great-grandson mature into an amazing boy. The birth of her great-granddaughter, whom she would have adored; the rising success of my writing career; just the simple day-to-day stuff she loved, like watching Entertainment Tonight and commenting on the lifestyles of all the celebrities. This may sound a bit shallow, but she got such a kick out of hearing of all their foibles and flubs. She used to say, “All that money and fame, and they’re as screwed up as the rest of us.”

Truer words…

My mother, although plagued with mental health issues, always found a way to find little bits of happiness where she could. It could be something small like having an unexpected lottery ticket win – never more than a few dollars, but it made her week; Or it could be something major, like being able to cook again after her two broken hips relegated her to a wheelchair for most of her day.

These past 2.5 years have been really tough on me without her. I never leaned on her, emotionally, for anything because of her fragile mental status, but just knowing she was “there” was, in some way, a small comfort when the darkness invaded my psyche and needed to be shown the door. I knew if I called her and told her I was having trouble, she would have talked my ear off about anything and everything just to try and get me to laugh and pull out of my funk.

God, I miss that.

I miss her.

I miss her.

She would have had some rich comments about the political upheaval in this country right now and its impending implosion, let me tell you. She would have been very vocal about how much she despised the incoming leadership. A lifelong Republican, she’d never voted for a Democrat until Joe Biden. At 84, she changed her political party because she knew hate was wrong and people were more important than billionaires getting richer.

Who says you stop learning and growing at some point in your life?

I am positive if she had lived, my stepfather wouldn’t have gone down hill, mentally, as fast as he did after her death. 2.5 years, 4 major surgeries, and leaping dementia later, he asked me just the other day, “Where is your mother?” I replied calmly, “In Heaven.” He didn’t seem to know how to respond to that. Then, he shook his head and asked me something about his shoes.

This was the man who cared for her after her first two broken hip surgeries. The one who got the mail every day, heated the food I’d made for them, did their laundry. Despite their tumultuous early years, their later ones were filled with a calm respect, mutual devotion and love.

When I say my prayers every night, I add one to my mother to please call her beloved husband home to her, because I know he is suffering and missing her so much, even though he can’t verbalize that.

Do you ever wonder if life simply happens, circumstances occur and you respond to them just in that moment? Or do you believe, like I do now, that our lives are predestined and predetermined? I ask that because when my mother was still alive and had just gone into the nursing home to be with my stepfather, one day, out of the blue, she said to me, “Promise me you won’t forget about Jack when I’m gone.” I waved a hand at her and said, as a joke, “You’re gonna outlive him, so don’t worry.”

One week later she was dead.

Ever since that day, I’ve wondered if somehow, she…knew. If she’d made the decision to be admitted to the nursing home because she had a feeling, an inkling, a fleeting thought that this would be her…end. She could die with the knowledge and comfort of knowing her beloved husband would be cared for and I wouldn’t forget about him.

The more I’ve thought about this, the more convinced I am that she did. She could leave us with the knowledge and promise that he wouldn’t be alone.

And he hasn’t been. I’ve kept that promise and intend to until the day he goes to meet her.

This piece was supposed to help me resolve some of the grief and sadness swirling in me as we come to a new year. As I write this, I can barely see for the tears shunting down my face.

Do we ever get over the loss of our mothers?

Or does the grief, as it’s done with me, ebb, dissipate, then swell again for no apparent reason?

Like I said, it’s been a rough few years.

Writing about my grief and sadness does help – to some degree. It actually helps me compartmentalize my emotions by showing me that even though I am sad, I still have joy in my life. I am still standing, breathing, loving, writing, every day. And speaking of writing…

One thing I have noticed in my writing since my mother’s untimely passing is that I incorporate a great deal of grief into my stories now, whereas before, I …. didn’t. I was convinced just writing happy tales of love was the right way to go. Who wants to read a supposed romance story that’s filled with death, sadness, and loss, I thought?

Now? Well, I see that death is part of love and life, a great part of it for many people, so I don’t shy away from writing about loved ones who have died. I have widows, widowers, and children without parents in my stories now. I’ve written about beloved pets dying – and have had to take a break for several days after writing about them because I’m such a wreck. And I think – or at least hope – my stories are richer and more relatable because of it.

Time will tell if that’s true.

For now, I am going to wipe my tears, go make a cup of tea, and say a few prayers for the year ahead.

I have no wisdom to impart on how to get through grief. I have no words to help anyone resolve the death of their mother or father.

All I can simply do is tell you how I’m getting through it. Some days are good. Some days are fabulous.

Some days are pure, unadulterated torture.

Grief is the price we pay for loving people.

~12.31.24

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NOT a #tuesdaytease…well, sorta 9.24.24

I didn’t have time to write a REAL teaser for today because the last 5 days have been such a whirlwind. I’m back home now and will start up my routine again, but for now, today’s NOT a teaser is just to remind you all that A CHEF’S CHRISTMAS is available for PREORDER over on Amazon for just #99cents. The drop date is 11.11.24.

I’ve got a goal of 1000 copies preorders (I know!!), and I’m standing at 35 right now. That’s a looooooong-ass way for me to go to get to my goal, so….help a girl out??!!

LOL.

And remember, the 99 cents price is a limited-time offer. Once the book goes live live live, the price goes up. So take advantage of it now.

Thanks, and bless you all.

And I promise things will get back to normal on this page from now on…

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A DICKENS HOLIDAY ROMANCE WEEKEND! #Sundayshare

If you saw my post on Friday, 8.30, you know that Judy Kentrus and I kicked off the 2024 season of A DICKENS HOLIDAY ROMANCE series on the Facebook page with a day of fun, games, recipes, and our cover reveals.

Just in case you missed that fabulous day, here’s the cover to my 2024 addition to the series, A CHEF’S KISS CHRISTMAS

This beauty joins the other 5 books I’ve written in the series, all centering around DORRIT’S DINER, its owner AMY DORRIT CHARLES, and her adopted children Abra, Sasha, and Michael.

Here’s the preorder, which is live right now, for A CHEF’S KISS CHRISTMAS

YOu can find all the DICKENS HOLIDAY ROMANCE series books here: DHR

A CHEF’S KISS CHRISTMAS releases on 11/11/24 and will be just #99cents for the first week. After that, the price goes to its normal $2.99 per kindle copy. It will also be available in print for $16.99

Happy reading, kids, and welcomes to Dickens, where love is always in season.

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#Tuesdaytease 6.4.2024

So, I am currently working on my 2024 addition to the DICKEN HOLIDAY ROMANCE SERIES. My book this year is called A CHEF’S KISS CHRISTMAS. I haven’t done a blurb yet, but the story involves a chef-on-the-run-from-life and a literary agent.

Of course it takes place mostly in Dorrit’s Diner, and the story is sprinkled with many glimpses of Amy and her family. This will be my last Dickens book (don’t cry!) and I wanted to make it a goodie. I like what I’ve got so far, so here’s a little glimpse into the first chapter. The cover reveal is coming in July so stick around by following me if you don’t.

Here ya go… the setup = Amy’s cook Winston has had an accident and can’t work. Amy is in dire straights looking for a chef. Enter…our hero.

Crap on cracker.” Amy slammed her fists on her almost non-existent hips. “He was my one hope to take over for Winnie. I need a cook, asap. I can’t feed all these people,” she swept her hand across the room, “manage this place and serve at the same time.”

Something in her tone hit Tony deep in his chest. Part exasperated, part worried, and with a little fear thrown in, she sounded much like his Aunt Connie had when his uncle had his first heart attack and was unable to run their business. Tony had stepped up and never once regretted his decision. His aunt had been eternally grateful, and Tony learned a valuable lesson: helping people is its own reward.

That had to be the reason he did what he did next because he hadn’t felt like helping anyone in a long, long time.

Two years, three months, and eight days to be precise.

“Need help?” he asked Amy.

She narrowed her gaze toward him. “What I need is someone who can cook and run my kitchen, so my customers don’t revolt. Can you do that?”

“As a matter of fact, I can.”

Those narrowed eyes now widened.

“I grew up in a diner. Managed it for years.” He wiped his mouth with a napkin, then rose. “I can give you a hand this morning until things settle down if you’d like.”

Amy’s discerning eye raked across his face, probing, measuring.

He knew what she saw: a forty-something guy with hair in need of at least two inches chopped off, six days of lazy stubble on his cheeks and jaw and a body that could use a minimum of ten pounds back of the thirty it’d lost in the past two years. A smile hadn’t met his lips in quite a while and he rarely – if ever- struck up a conversation with anyone.

None of those traits exuded trustworthiness and he figured Amy was wary of him because of it.

“Come with me,” she said after a moment’s reflection.

He chugged the remainder of his coffee and followed her through the dining room.

Just beyond the swing doors, chaos ruled.

The two paramedics who’d responded to the 9-1-1 call were trying to load a screaming gent onto the gurney. The cook may be tiny but he more than made up for the lack of height with the volume of his wails.

To him, Amy said, “Wait here a minute.”

She made her way to the gurney, grasped her cook’s hand, leaned down close and said something that quieted him. Then she placed a kiss on his forehead and told the paramedics to break some speed limits getting to the hospital.

Two of the older waitresses surrounded Amy, speaking at once, and questioning how they were going to continue serving if they didn’t have a cook. Amy shooed them away telling them she was taking care of it.

They didn’t look all that convinced, but nonetheless went back out to the dining room with the instructions she’d given them to tell the customers their orders were going to be a few minutes more.

Then she lit on him.

For some crazy reason, he threw his shoulders back and stood straighter.

“Know your way around a kitchen, do ya?”

“Blindfolded,” he replied, surprising himself with his candor.

That piercing glare shot his way again. She reached into a tabletop drawer and pulled out a hair elastic.

“Board’a health rules.” She handed it to him and he pulled his hair up into a man bun.

“I’m gonna get a few of these orders ready,” she said, washing her hands at the sink. “While I do, make me an omelet.”

Like he knew his way around a kitchen blindfolded, he could make a simple omelet in his sleep.

“Any particular kind?” he asked as he moved to the sink, doffed his jacket, then mimicked her handwashing motions.

Amy popped six pieces of bread into the industrial toaster with one hand while the other poured pancake batter onto the griddle in six perfect little rounds. “Surprise me,” she said over her shoulder.

He nodded, then, spotting an apron on a peg by the office door, donned it, scoping the layout of the griddle and its surroundings as he did.

A sense of anticipation pushed him to pull three eggs from the industrial refrigerator along with a container of shredded cheese. Opening it, he recognized the woodsy aroma of Swiss. Onehanded, he cracked the eggs, whisked them, then tossed them onto the griddle while he poured a handful of the grated cheese on top. While that settled, he pulled bacon from the warmer and crushed two pieces between a pair of paper towels then tossed the crumbles on top of the setting eggs. From the spice rack he pulled nutmeg and salt, added them then topped it all off with a pinch of pepper.

When the eggs set to the point they were no longer runny, muscle memory pushed him to take a spatula and fold one third toward the center, then the opposite side until the omelet was folded to perfection. Sliding the spatula underneath it, he flipped it over. Instinct told him the exact moment to remove it, which he did, placing it on a clean plate.

While he did, Amy had been a study in motion, never once stopping while she cooked then plated orders. The waitresses all lined back into the kitchen when Amy dinged the ready bell, took their orders while tossing him a quizzical eye.

Once they were alone again, Amy turned, dragged in a huge breath, and said, “Show me what ya got.”

He handed her the plated omelet and a fork.

Amy inspected it as if she were a general inspecting her standing-at-attention troops. First, her gaze raked over the perfectly pale yellow mixture. Then she raised the plate to her face, took a whiff, one eyebrow lifting.

Zeroing in on him she said, “Bacon?”

“I didn’t have enough time to slice that ham I saw in the fridge. The bacon’s maple flavored.”

She nodded. “Only kind I use. Something else in here. Something…earthy.”

“A dash of nutmeg.”

Now her brows lifted to her hairline. Without a word, she forked a section and said as she lifted it to her mouth, “Color’s perfect.”

Since he knew it was, he kept silent. The very first thing he’d ever learned to cook had been an omelet. It had taken him almost of month of daily practice to know the precise second to remove it from the heat, when it was the best moment to fold it, how the only number of eggs to use would always be three.

He watched her face and identified exactly when the nutmeg and bacon hit her tastebuds. Her eyes went wide, then to half-closed as the combined spice and pork bits sent a savory river of deliciousness across them.

Amy swallowed then shook her head. “You know how to cook anything else aside from this?”

“Name a dish.”

“How are you with pancakes? Sausages? French toast?”

“Just as good as that.” He ticked his chin toward the plate she held. And since he knew his own worth, added, “Maybe better.”

“You know how to do a breakfast run? It’s not easy. In fact, it’s damn stressful.”

He nodded. “I do.”

“I think I’m gonna give you a chance to prove that.” She put the plate down. “If you’re serious about helping out, that is. For today – now – at least. Just to get me through to lunch.”

He had nowhere to be, nothing pressing him for his time.

And, most surprising of all, he realized he wanted to help.

He nodded. “I can do that.”

Julia pushed through the swing doors and waddled to a stop. “Dining room’s getting loud, Ames. How we doing with orders? Should I put up the closed sign?”

The diner owner looked from her daughter-in-law, then back to him, a corner of her lip tucked between her teeth. Then, “No need. We’re gonna be fine.” She stretched out a hand for the orders in Julia’s hand.

The younger woman didn’t look all that convinced, but handed them over then grabbed a clean coffee carafe from the dishwasher.

After reading through the orders, Amy divided them in half.  Handing them to him she said, “Okay, son. Appreciate the help.”

Without even glancing down at them he nodded.

“My name’s Tony, by the way,” he said.

“I know.” She smiled for the first time since he’d come into the kitchen with her. “This is Dickens, son. There’s not much that goes on or happens that gets passed me, including newcomers, even when they’re close-mouthed. Once we get through breakfast we can have a little chat. For now, Tony-by-the-way, I got customers to feed.”

Small towns, he thought, shaking his head.

He didn’t give it another thought as he started the first order in his hand.

And that’s just the beginning. Thoughts, kids?

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Mother’s Day 2024…

So I laughed when I found this graphic because…right??!!

We always roll our eyes at Mom’s wisdom, and swear we are never going to do/say/act like her.

And you know what? In the end…we do. More times than not.

I miss my Mom. Every single day. Every single hour of every single day.

But I am content that she is looking down on me from Heaven, shaking her head at some of the things I do and say, and still loving me with everything in her soul.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mommie. I love you. I miss you. I know I will see you again.

And when I do, please don’t say, I told you so!

LOL.

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10 months…

I’ve finally started going through all the stuff I saved from my mother’s house before I sold it. I packed a box of things I intended to go through at one point to see if they were keepers or tossers. Up until now, I haven’t had the emotional fortitude to sort through it all.

Today, 10 months on, I figured it was time.

I already went through all the photographs last month. The box now is mostly filled with a few books she and my stepfather had accumulated throughout the years and some odds and ends.

What I typically call junk.

There was an ancient health and diseases book they must have picked up at a garage or tag sale. The copyright page is missing but the book looks old enough to have been printed in maybe the 60s or 70s. Several afflictions were outlined in yellow marker. Prostate disease; low magnesium; shaking legs syndrome; digestive issues; lower flank pain. I could tell, just from these, it was my stepfather who used this book as a health bible.

I’ve mentioned this previously, but my mother hadn’t seen a doctor in almost 50 years before she broke her first hip. She wasn’t hypochondriacal like my stepfather was. Is.

Another book was one I’d given them several years ago about cats. It was mainly a picture book. This one I know was my mother’s. The woman adored cats. If they’d been able to care for a pet, I’m sure they would have had a few. As it was, they could barely care for themselves.

I moved on to the pictures after making a book toss and donate pile. The health book went in the toss one. No surprise, there.

My mother’s living room wall had been awash in photographs of me, my daughter, and my grandson. I told you last month about the scotch tape issues. I’m still shuddering at all the tape I had to remove. So many pictures had to be trashed because they were damaged from the tape.

My mother was – if not a full one-blown one, then a mild– hoarder. Mostly, it was tchotchkes that had no intrinsic value, items she found at the Senior Center for twenty-five cents or at a garage sale for a dime.

She always said to me when she got something new, “This is worth so much more than I paid for it. Look it up. You’ll see.”

I had no idea where I was supposed to look up the value of a coffee mug of Garfield the cat with a visible chip in the handle.

Or where I could find the resale value of a postcard of the Statue of Liberty someone had put into a plastic frame from the Dollar Store.

And just why did she think a ceramic dinner plate with the slogan Don’t Worry, Be Happy and a smiley face was worth anything of monetary substance?

It finally dawned on me the value of everything she’d bought had worth to her and that was how she – in her mind – justified it.

She loved cats and when I was growing up we had several, including a red ginger cat named Buff. Hence, the Garfield mug.

Her parents came over at a time when they had to pass through Ellis Island and stop at the Statue of Liberty to legally enter the country. Hence, the framed postcard.

Despite her horrible life, she always had upbeat expectations and loved to smile. Hence…well, you get it.

I wish that at the time I was so concerned about all these THINGS junking up her small trailer and which I told her were doing so, I could have had the insight I do now to her motivations.

She’d lost so much in life – her father at a young age, one sister to suicide, her first marriage, a baby in utero; multiple jobs and financial setbacks; and the legitimate practice of the faith she adored. It was no wonder she attached value to worthless (in my eyes) items.

In hers, they were priceless.

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9 months…

9 months

Why do elderly people do strange things?

Well, to us, they’re strange. Apparently, not to the person doing them.

Case in point: my mother was a scotch tape addict.

I know, right? So weird.

She put scotch tape on everything. EVERYTHING. Every picture in her house, every piece of so-called art on the walls. The plastic placemats on her kitchen table were scotch-taped down to the table. Unmovable. Unwashable because you couldn’t pick them up to get the food crap off them. Whenever I visited weekly, I would routinely wash the place mats with a Lysol wet-one. An entire week’s worth of food crap covered that wipe. My mother would always – always – say, “I just cleaned that this morning.”

Sure you did, Mom.

Sigh.

I had a bitch of a time getting that tape off the table after she died just so I could sell the table with the house. No one was going to buy a kitchen table with TAPED placemats. No one with any kind of home design background, anyway.

 Every free-standing item, or item on the walls, possessed scotch tape. Some of it was covered in it.

I’d given her numerous photos in beautiful picture frames over the years of my daughter. The frames weren’t cheap ones, either. The photos in them were secured appropriately as you’d imagine they’d be in an expensive frame, behind glass and with at least two pieces of paper or cardboard behind the picture before the frame was secured.

Some were wall frames, complete with wire hangers to make it easy to place them. Most were desk frames, freestanding with the triangular backpiece that allowed the frame to stand on its own.

When I emptied her house , I pulled everything down off the walls and tossed whatever was on the furniture, in drawers, closets, etc, in several big Rubbermaid containers, intent on going through everything at one point.

One point came last week.

I started with the photographs.

Every frame that had hung on the wall had scotch tape securing the back of it. The frames, as I said, weren’t cheap and they had the little obnoxious closures you can only open with the blunt edge of a knife or something sharp in order to put the picture in place. The perimeter of every frame was secured shut with tape. When I removed it all and then opened the frames, she’d also taped the pictures to the blank paper or cardboard inside of it. And I mean TAPED. Underneath the picture, over it, on it. Some of the photos were ruined because I couldn’t get the tape off easily and wound up tearing them.

I moved to the frames that were freestanding.

Do I need to tell you I found the same thing? In the cases where there was that triangular piece on the back to allow the frame to stand, she’d taped it open so that when I went to fold it closed to store it, I couldn’t.

So much tape.

The weirdest place I found tape – this time it was tan masking tape – was on the counters in her small kitchen area. Apparently, there was a gap between the countertops and edge of the sink and counterboard and they didn’t fit snuggly in place, causing about a half-inch opening. Food and water would routinely drop or drip down into the gap, so my mother had the bright idea to put masking tape along the entire counter, the back wall, and along the drawers underneath. When I noticed this once when she was alive she told me she did it to prevent ants from coming in.

At the exact moment she said this I spotted two ants crawling along the backsplash wall.

I told her I would buy ant spray, spray the area, and that I’d remove the tape.

She forbade me. This exploded into a huge argument with her becoming extremely agitated and verbally abusive, telling me I didn’t live in her home and couldn’t dictate how she ran it.

I tried pointing out how dumb and unattractive it looked having masking tape along the counters. I really should have just kept my mouth shut. I realized this later when she erupted and I mean ERUPTED in a screaming hissy fit. She accused me of always looking down on her and how she lived. She stated I thought I was better than she and my stepfather were because I’d married a man with money. That was an old complaint I’d heard throughout my marriage. It never failed to hurt me.

She accused me of a various list of offenses, starting with accusing me of always hating that we were poor when I was a kid and ending with the phrase, “I should have sent you to your father to live when you were a child.

At one point she wheeled over to where I was standing by the kitchen sink, inspecting the stained and sticky masking tape and rammed her wheelchair into my leg in an attempt to get me to move away from the offending counter.

It worked.

I left  – in pain and furious -without saying goodbye, slammed out of the house and shot off in a snit.

Real mature, I know.

I was 60 at the time.

As I drove the 35 miles back to my own home I realized why she’d reacted the way she had.

All her life her family had looked down on her. On her life choices, her marriage, the fact she never learned how to drive, or traveled, or had any friends. They called her stupid, dumb, moronic. Her mother’s comments when she was alive were always cruel.

My mother interpreted my concern, incorrectly, as just another person in her life denigrating how she lived and who she was.

When this realization came to me, I felt horrible. I hadn’t meant to make her upset – I never did, but so often her inability to control her emotions just boiled over and she reacted without ever looking at a situation with logic and thought instead of hurt and the need to get back, or lash out, at the person.

Years of study as a psychiatric nurse had taught me to recognize and understand why this behavior occurred.

Decades of being her daughter and I still hadn’t learned how to help her control it.

When I got home, I called her immediately. She answered the phone in a subdued voice, fresh with tears. I apologized and tried to explain I’d meant no disrespect. She was right, I said. It was her home and she could live in it any way she wanted. As long, I added, she was safe.

After several sniffs, she thanked me, then, like a light switch being turned from off to on, like the entire emotional situation had never happened, her voice brightened and, in that singsong way she had when she was pretending to be happy,  she told me that they had just eaten one of the lunches I prepared for them and that it was delicious.

I told her I was glad. She said, “My love to you all,” and then we rang off.

I took a three-hour nap after that because I was so wrung out.

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8 months…

All this time I’ve been waiting for my stepfather to release his anger at me – the anger I know he holds for me putting him in the nursing home; the anger I know he holds for believing my mother died of negligence; the anger he holds because of the loss of his independence.

I’ve been waiting for him to unleash it all on me, and today I realized…I’m the one who’s angry.

Furious, truth be told.

I never got to say goodbye to my mother.

If not for my husband rushing to her bedside when I couldn’t get there, she would have died alone. I am so furious at that.

So furious.

I’m furious she spent her life in what most would believe was a poverty state. Never having any money for anything other than the bare essentials; never doing what she wanted with her life instead of always having to find a job she could physically and mentally perform when she was so damn exhausted it was a wonder she could stand upright most of the time.

She bought clothes and shoes in the local Goodwill – shoes that were always the wrong size for her. Her foot measured at an 8 but she bought whatever she could afford, many times, squeezing into a 7. And she wondered why her feet always hurt.

I hate the fact she only saw her great-grandson once and that she’ll never meet her great-granddaughter.

I could scream at the top of my lungs about how unfair life was to her, how people took advantage of her – even those who claimed to love her, myself included. I could smash something against a wall and shatter it with the amount of fury inside me for how her own mother mistreated her for her entire life.

Who am I kidding? What I want to smash is my grandmother.

I’m so damn angry she never got to see Ireland – her dream.

I’m so damn angry she never knew how much I truly loved her – loved her – despite our tortured our relationship was at times.

And I’m so, so mad I never told her the extent of my love.

All this time I’ve been the one sitting on a mountain of anger, waiting for it to unleash.

And it finally has…

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A #HappyHalloween #tuesdaytease 10.31

Happy Halloween kids! Hope your candy bucket will be filled to the brim tonight, lol!

Today, a Tuesday tease from one of my PNR books, befitting the day.

I wrote The Sheriff & The Psychic in about 2 weeks a while back, put it in a computer file, and then forgot about it. When I found it last year I thought it was pretty good ( if I do say so) after re-reading it, and decided to self-publish it. At the time, Magnolia Print had just launched so i sent it to them. Pretty quick I got a response they wanted it and within 2 months it was on the shelves.

Fast, I know.

So, today I’m celebrating that quick rise to publication with a little snippet. Since it’s Halloween, a story about a psychic sounds about right, no? Hee Hee

Here ya go. Enjoy….

The stinging started in her nail beds, and like lightning, shot upward. Leaning back in the chair, she removed her fingers from the keyboard. The burning turned to a cold, wet, numbing. Behind closed eyes, she gave the vision, cloudy at best, time to take shape.

The colors were green. Iris colored one moment, holly-hued the next. Through the haze, she heard a sound, familiar and yet not. A call, distinct and heart-wrenching, for help. Not a human voice. It was too deep, too guttural to be human. An animal, maybe. But what kind?

The clouds moved. A clearing surrounded by what looked like a forest materialized. Thick, rich grass shot up, tall and strong, from fertile soil. The sweet smell of chlorophyll was potent. Suddenly, her eyes began to burn. The cloud dispersed, and flashes of sunlight prevailed.

Then she saw it, almost buried in the thick turf.

The animal’s mid-section rose and fell rapidly, heaving, the breathing labored and hard. The call sounded again, a lonely foghorn with no shoreline in sight. The animal’s nostrils flared, the massive, bulging, red tongue sagging to one side. There was a branding mark on the flank, plain and legible.

A freezing chill iced through her. Death, final and bleak, solidified through her senses..

The scene began to shift, dimming. The fog once again engulfed her senses.

Abruptly, all went black. The animal, the meadow, and the trees ceased to exist.

Silvestra opened her eyes and stared down at her hands. They were cold, and rigid, the nail beds cyanotic, frozen. Flexing them a few times, trying to get the blood back into them, she sighed heavily.

A great weariness swallowed her whole, but she refused to succumb to its strength. Getting up from the chair on legs shaky with fatigue, she moved to the phone. Hesitating only once, she forced herself to dial.

It has to be done. I have no choice.

~~

Cal drove with a reckless speed he couldn’t put a name to.

When Silvestra called, her voice sounding so tired, so fatigued, a spear of passion, razor-sharp, ripped through to his soul. He had to get to her. Fast.

Throwing the car into park, he tore from it in one brisk motion. Jake met him at the opened front door.

“Come on in, Cal. Shy’s in the den with Mabel.”

“Is she all right?” he asked, removing his hat. “When she called, I thought something happened to one of you.”

Jake ran a hand through his thick salt and pepper hair and sighed. “No, we’re fine. But Shy’s, well, she’s a little out of it right now. Always gets that way after…”

“After what?”

The older man stared up at the Sheriff and shook his head. “Think I’ll let her tell you.”

They entered a spacious wood-paneled room. Cal’s eyes immediately were drawn to the small petite body, lying across an oversized floral couch. Seeing how pale and languid she was, formed a lump in his throat.

“Cal,” Mabel said, with a small smile. “Thanks for coming. Here’s the Sheriff now, darlin’. Tell him what happened.”

When she turned towards him, his heart stopped. A deep line of worry was etched into her delicate forehead. The elegantly shaped hands he’d held in his own just hours before were trembling. The dictates of his job were pushed from his mind. All he could think about was gathering her up into his arms, and holding her until all the worry, all the dread washed away. An unfamiliar feeling shot through him like a bullet.

Protection.

He wanted to protect this woman, shelter and shield this wonderfully desirable woman, for the rest of his life.

Silvestra tried to sit up. The effort looked almost too much for her.

Crouching next to the couch, Cal cradled one of her hands in his and said, “Why don’t you just lie here and tell me what happened, Silvestra.

Dull eyes looked up at him.

Taking a deep breath, she began. “I was working down at the guest house. Suddenly, my hands started to go numb. That’s the way it usually starts, with a tingling in my hands.”

“The way what starts?” he asked, rubbing icy knuckles with the pads of his fingers.

Hesitating for a moment, lips trembling, she swallowed.

“It’s okay, Shy,” Mabel said. “Cal will understand.”

Silvestra stared up at him. “My visions. I can see…things…in my mind. Things…other people can’t.”

He stared at her for a moment, his eyes briefly widening. “Go on.”

“When my hands go cold like that, I know something is going to come to me. I can’t fight the visions, they’re too powerful. They come whether I want them to or not. I sat back and let this one come. That’s when I saw the cow.”

“The Bolton cow? The dead one?”

Chestnut-colored waves shook around her head. “No, another one. Similar, but different. The brand on the flank read CR. A large curlicue C with the R inside the opening.”

“That’s the Cambdon ranch, out by Winchester,” Cal said. “Was the cow alive or dead?”

Running her tongue over her lips she said, “Dying. I watched it take its last breath.”

“Here, darlin’ have some of this.” Mabel gave her a glass filled with an icy liquid.

“What does this mean?” Cal asked after she’d taken a large draft. “Is this something that’s happened, will happen, what?”

“The cow is dead, of that I’m sure. And I don’t think it died like the Bolton one.”

Cal kept his face calm as years of law training had taught him. “How then?”

“The feeling is hazy, but I don’t sense it was a natural death. And there might have been another one with it. I can’t be sure. Everything went dark before I could see more, but I think I can describe where it was. The area’s very distinctive.”

“Go ahead.” He took out a small notepad and began jotting down what she told him, her voice breaking once from fatigue. Cal stopped writing, and gave the glass back to her, prodding her to drink.

“I know that place. It’s part of the Cambdon ranch,” he said. “Out on the back border of the property.”

Standing, Cal addressed Jake. “I’ll swing out there right now and see what’s up.”

“I’m going with you,” Silvestra said, rising from the couch.

“That isn’t necessary.”

When she set her lips into a thin, firm line, he was at once enticed and angered. The stubborn tilt of her square chin made Cal’s mouth water. He wanted to trace his lips down and around its edge.

 “Shy’s done stuff like this before, Cal,” Jake said. “Helped police with investigations and such. She’s used to seeing unpleasant things if that’s what’s worrying you.”

Cal remained silent, staring at Silvestra. Even as she pulled herself up off the couch, he could see how unsteady and wobbly her legs were.

“It’s true, Cal,” Mabel said. “And she might be able to help.”

He continued to stare, silently weighing their words. Silvestra squared her small shoulders and for a second he felt a sense of pride at the unyielding caste in her yellow eyes. Then, the Sheriff saw something else, something he’d not noticed previously: strength.

“You can come. But when we get there, keep out of the way. Understand?”

Silvestra nodded.

~~

Watch the trailer, here:

Add it to your Goodreads want-to-read list here: GR

Happy Halloween! ~ Peg

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