The lonely goodbye…. #covid19 #quarantinelife

I didn’t have a blog piece planned today.

I was going to take a break for a day because the rest of the week and into the weekend is already plotted for me. But as I was trolling Facebook this morning, one of my friends posted this picture and I knew i had to write something to express how it made me feel when I spotted it.

If you know me you know how important my Catholic faith is to me. You also know that I have a medical background and sometimes the two theologies war with one another when I’m faced with decisions I need to make that have consequences. This may be the first time in my life that both teachings have collided so forcefully for me.

All that aside, when I saw this photo I started crying.

Inconsolably.

I don’t know what I would do, how I would be able to survive, if someone I loved died alone because they were in isolation. To not be able to be there when their last breath on this earth is expelled; to not be able to hold their hand while their soul leaves for Heaven; to be unable to kiss their forehead or cheek, or hug them one last time before you never see them again. I know in my heart, despite my faith, I wouldn’t be able to go on.

This is something I never talk about, but today I’m willing to share it because I need to face that the current pandemic may effect me in just this way. I am not afraid of many things. Truly, I’m not. But the one fear I do have and which is my biggest fear in life, is dying alone or having someone I love die without me there with them.

To be cut off from the people you love most in the world, to be isolated in a room surrounded by machines, shut off from human contact because hands are double gloved, faces are masked, and clothing is covered by protective gear, to not be able to hold the hand of your spouse or parent or child as they leave this planet and this life. All those things terrify me.

My darling daughter is quarantined 300 miles away from me. I have not seen her since Christmas. If she were to be stricken with the virus I would go mad with worry. Stark raving mad. Not to be able to care for her, touch her, be with her, would send me over the edge mentally and emotionally. I’m sobbing right now writing this at just the thought.

My parents are 30 minutes away from me and quarantined in their mobile home. Both are high risk due to age and chronic conditions and they have seen no one other than me when I deliver food to them for almost a month. I jumped on the bandwagon of self isolation early because I could see what was coming and I knew they were at risk. If either of them were stricken and, God forbid died, my heart would break because I couldn’t be with them.

Every night I pray for my family, my friends, the people of this country and then the world. To die is part of living, I know that and I get it. But to die alone, without the people who love you and who you love with you, is by far the worse thing I can think of. Human touch, the human one-on-one connection, is so ingrained in us as a species, that to be robbed of the ability to reach out and touch another person, or to sit with them or offer comfort, is anathema and counterintuitive to who and what we are.

As this pandemic kills even more people and destroys the lives of those left behind to survive without their loved ones, I am taking my cue today from Pope Francis and praying for all those who have died alone, and for those families who have never had a chance to kiss them goodbye.

And I am keeping all the front line doctors, nurses, police, fire fighters and EMTS who have become surrogates for so many loved ones,  in my prayers as well.  Their sacrifices can not have been made in vain.

6 Comments

Filed under Writing

6 responses to “The lonely goodbye…. #covid19 #quarantinelife

  1. Karen Hulene Bartell

    Be of good cheer. We are an Easter people.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. D.V. Stone

    And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
    Prayers for you my friend 🌈

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Brought my fears into the open. I pray all your family remain safe and healthy. My nightly prayers resemble yours. We all will get through this together. but sometimes fears take hold the words seem hollow. Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. FYI: Had an awful time responding to your post. If I hit comment, I got a whole bunch of advertisements. But after four or five tries I had to hit respond that popped up, I finally got through–so if you don’t get a lot of comments, that may be why.

    Your comments are so very touching, and true since it’s not our usual norm to stay away and feel so secluded from, friends, loved ones, and all. Your post had my eyes watering as I feel the same way. Actually, I too belonged to the medical world, my final job for many years was as a Public Health Nurse for the County. During that time, besides doing home care and clinics, etc., we also trained for five years for a pandemic. We even did regular Flu clinics in the parking lots of fire stations, and bank drive-thrus to see how fast we could get the public through if there were hundreds or thousands. I retired in in 2008 for some med. issues, and gave up my license. Two wks. ago the Gov. of NYC sent out letters to retired nurses stating he could reinstate our licenses if we could go to NYC, then possibly elsewhere if needed. Due to a few health issues and my age, I had to

    Like

    • Peggy Jaeger

      Beverly – I’m sorry you had difficulty responding. Since I never respond to my own stuff, I had no idea about the ads. Please accept my apology. I was a registered nurse for more years than I care to remember and I, too, remember all those pandemic drills and emergency situations we prepared for, hoping we’d never have to use those skills. It’s sad to say nothing has ever prepared our health system for the current state.

      Like

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