When my mother died suddenly and unexpectedly 3 years ago, I was, to put it simply, emotionally lost. But I couldn’t drown and wallow in my grief like I wanted to because there was so much to do concerning her death and with taking care of my stepfather.
So to help me navigate through the quagmire of all that was coming at me faster than a comet crossing the atmosphere, I started blogging about what I was feeling at that moment in time, that specific day, that hour, on my website blog. Doing this was a way for me to remember what I was going through, how it was affecting me, and how I handled it. There was so much to do after she died: sell the house, dismantle and get rid of their possessions; all the paperwork and government crap that comes with a death.
It was a lot.
A lot.
As her only child, it fell to me to take care of everything because my stepfather was in a rehab center after he broke his hip. So I moved through each day and each new challenge and THING that came up. I had to do.
Let me tell you, there is something to be said for being 63 years old and having to learn a plethora of new things. Hello, Medicaid applications, POA forms, and insurance applications. There were times my brain could only hold so much new info. But I got through it and I think my brain may be stronger for it.
Yes, I got through it and I think the only real reason I did was because I wrote everything that was going on down on my blog, and evaluated my feelings.
Those blog pieces gave me a great deal of insight into the reasons why I was having such a difficult time allowing my grief to settle. And, ultimately, they led me to the other side of the process, allowing me to understand why my mother and I had such a tortured relationship.
I learned a great deal about myself with those posts when I looked back on them: you can teach an older person new things; I’m stronger than I ever thought I could be; I’m a wonderful advocate for others; and one final thing that may be the most improtant: I learned and vowed that I will never leave my daughter in the same positiohn I was in when my mother died. I knew nothing about my mother’s finances, her day to day life, or the extent to which she covered up for my stepfather’s growing dementia. I promised myself then and there that I will make everything known to my daughter before I die and take care of all issues so that she doesn’t have to do anything but grieve once my time has come.
That is the one most important gift I’ve learned from this entire moment in time: Prepare for your death so the ones you leave behind will not have to do anything but grieve your loss.
I’ve taken all those blog pieces and the wisdom I gleaned from that time and put them into a book that details more extensively my grief journey and explores my mother’s life, why she made the decisions she did, and how she came to be the woman she was. It’s out now in all iterations – print and digital. Mother’s Day is next week and I can’t help but think this would be a good present for moms to get them thinking about future plans. No one likes to talk about death, but it’s part of the human experience, so…
Peggy Jaeger, Author 