Writing date scenes takes patience, perseverance, and let’s face it: humor. First dates can quickly turn to seconds, thirds, and marriage; or they can end at the door…or in a restaurant with say, the heroine tossing a drink over the not-so-hero’s head.
A great deal about first dates is communication. How the two potential love interests speak to one another can be a key factor in how the story-and their romance-moves forward…or dies a gristly death.
A lot of what I write is made up from my imagination. But not all. I’ve had a few (read A LOT!) pretty horrible first-and subsequently last -dates. One of the worst ended right in the restaurant when the guy I was sitting across from asked me – after we’d ordered, mind you – “So, my friend told me nurses put out ‘cause they’re horny from seeing naked people all day long. True?” The jerk actually wiggled his eyebrows up and down like Groucho Marx when he said it. Speechless is something I almost never am, but I couldn’t put a sentence scathing enough together at that moment, so I just grabbed my purse from the chair next to me, stood, and stormed out. Damn. I really wanted the steak I’d ordered, too.
Second worst line from a first date came a few months later. The guy was fairly nice, if not a little boring as he droned on and on about the Yankees. I was a die-hard Mets fan back then…but anyway. At my apartment door he leaned in and gave me the most disgusting kiss I’d ever received. Truly. His breath smelled like the pepper and sausage pizza he’d just had, mixed with beer. Stale and overpowering. I was so surprised, I opened my mouth in dismay and his snake-like tongue forged right in, dancing a serpentine tarantella in every corner of my mouth.
My eyes were watering from gagging, and I felt a ball of intense nausea undulate up from my stomach. Fearful I was going to vomit on my front door step I pushed against his chest and broke the contact between us. Ever so suavely – not! – he leaned against the doorjamb, grinned smarmily and said, “So, let’s together for breakfast.” Before I could tell him I had to work; have a root canal; or even an appendectomy (all of which would have been preferable to seeing him again), he grinned and added, “what time should I roll over and kiss you awake?”
Holy Mother of God, I never knew I could move so fast. I bolted into my apartment, slammed the door in in his astonished face, ran to the bathroom and gargled with Listerine for an hour.
From girlfriends, I’ve heard some of the worst first date lines ever. They include:
“Don’t worry, it’s not infectious anymore.”
“My real hair is brown.”
“Do you know a good tax lawyer?”
“Wow, your cousin described you as much hotter. And way thinner.”
“I’ll be right back. It’s my check-in time with my PO, and he’s a dick if I miss a call.”
“I’ve got a two-for-one coupon, so don’t order anything it doesn’t cover.”
“The anti-depressants have really been working.”
I can safely say none of these lines earned a second date. I think one even lead to a punch in the face from the girl it was spoken to. I’ll let you figure out which one.
So…worst lines you’ve ever heard on a date. Let’s discuss…