I don’t usually share my personal struggles on this blog.
I really don’t. Talking about writing or my issues with writing isn’t what I mean. Yes, I do discuss those, but they are pretty innocuous topics.
I mean, I don’t usually go deep and write about the daily struggle I have with my weight, my eating disorder, and my body image.
But…first I want to share something with you that I saw the other day that just RESONATED with me sososos much. Please take a few minutes to watch this. If you’ve already seen it, watch it again because every single person on the planet needs to hear this.
SO.
I’ve been fat shamed my entire life – by others and by myself. I know, I know! You’re supposed to love yourself for who you are, not what you look like. The reasons behind my eating disorder are lifelong and involve things said to me while I was child by my biological father and my grandmother. When people who are supposed to support you tear you down instead as a child, well, let’s just say that baggage gets carried into adulthood. I’ve never been able to look in a mirror and tell myself “you’re enough the way you are, because I was never able to feel that way.”
That’s on me.
When my daughter got engaged on Christmas eve, my first emotion was elation. For her. My second was terror. For me. As mother of the bride, I’m going to be front and center at all events looking….not good. Not the way I want to. Not the way I should. To have two opposing emotions – happiness for her and sadness for me – at the same time sent me into an emotional spiral that ramped up my eating disorder. Just like James Corden says in his video, shaming someone leads to depression, decreased feelings of self worth, and ineffective coping mechanisms. For me, that means an increase in my bulimia.
There. I said it. I admitted it out loud. Well, in print, anyway. But you know what I mean.
The first step towards fixing a problem is to admit you have one. Just like with alcoholism and drug addiction, you first need to recognize, name and accept that you have an issue, before you can begin to heal, fix, and help yourself.
So here’s my admission. My name is Peggy and I’m a bulimic.
First step? Check.
The second step is to come up with a plan for dealing and/or changing the issue. Way easier said than done, for sure. But now that I’ve said out loud what my issue is, I can devise a plan to fix it.
First step in this is to stop binging and purging whenever my emotions get out of hand.
Again, easier said that done, but if I think it, speak it into the air, and tell it to myself often, I know I can combat the desire.
Maybe this is all a little TMI for you. Maybe it is for me, too, but I am determined at almost 60 years old to finally FINALLY squelch this behavior. If writing about the struggle will help me attain that goal, so be it.
My goal is to eradicate my eating disorder, lose the excess weight pulling my health down, and in so doing, be the best, healthiest Peggy I can be. If that means that ultimately I am a size 8 or a size 18, so be it.
Until the next time I feel the need to talk about this again! ~ Peg
Peggy Jaeger, Author 
This was such a brave piece to write, Peggy Jaeger. It took so much strength to do, and I admire you for writing it. For what it’s worth, I think you’re beautiful. In part, because on the outside you’re blonde and gorgeous! But, even more so, because on the inside you are one of the kindest, most supportive people I’ve ever known. You help and support your author friends all the time. Every day. Without fail, and without question. I know I can always count on your support. And that gives you a beauty that age, or weight, can never dim. Thank you for your friendship over the years, and please know what an amazing, beautiful person I think you are.
PS–sorry if you get two versions of this. I had just finished one, and was submitting it and did something screwy and it vanished, so I wrote it again. Sheesh! Such a Donna. Aaannndd…..that kind of comment comes from my own issues. ; )
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Donna, when I stopped crying, I knew I had to respond. Thank you never seems like enough to say, but believe me, when I say it to you, it’s as big as a mountaintop! Bless you for your kind words and support. I’m not sure I’d lable myself as brave for writing this, but James COrden’s words were the impetus to get out my feelings, and he is the one who deserves praise. Putting this all down where anyone can read it was a very small way of my showing people who suffer as I do with this ridiculous malady of the mind, that you are not alone. Even those who seem to have it all under control as far as life goes, are still stuck and suffering. Hopefully, my words will help one person to see that they are so much more than they think they are.
Blessyou for your friendship, love, and support.
Now, go write another fabulous book!!!!
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James Corden’s words were powerful. I have to admit my favorite line was the one about Maher’s superiority burning 35,000 calories a day. Ha! I’ve struggled with weight and body image my whole life too. I never purged, but I can binge with the best of them. And when I look back on teenage pictures of me, I wonder why I believed I was fat? I was built like a fricking Barbie doll, with a body that would thrill me now, but I felt enormous back in the day. But then my body image became a self-fulfilling prophecy and I did get heavy. It’s such a complex issue, and one that shame will not solve. Shame doesn’t solve anything for anyone. It just puts the behavior in secret. Anyway…I’ll shut up now. But I still think you’re brave. and thanks for the kind words about my books…I have some self worth issues about my writing too, but that’s a topic for another blog post. ; )
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Hi Peggy, You are beautiful, inside and out. And you inspire all of us with your courage and determination. 🙂
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Joanne, bless you and thank you for your kind words. I feel they same way about you!!! Truly.
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I love you for your strength and support and the beauty you shine on everything you touch. You’re brave for writing this and I fully support your efforts to get healthy. And you are helping those of us who needed to hear it.
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Thank you, darlin’, And bless you for your kind words.
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Peggy: You are beautiful inside and out, and if others can’t see that, that’s on them. I love you for your warmth, honesty and integrity, much more important than your dress size; your daughter is proud to introduce you to everyone as her mother, regardless of your dress size.
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ok, you made my cry with that!! bless you for your kind words and support
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Peggy! It took courage to share this. Be good to yourself. You’re a gorgeous lady with so much going for you. Be yourself and eff everyone who doesn’t like it. Love you lots!!!
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Charlotte! I will certainly “Eff everyone” who doesn’t!!! hahaha. Spoken like the true New York girl you are ( and me too!, BTW!!!!) Thanks for the love and support.
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Miss Peggy….my darling, my friend… You know I know this struggle first hand. I know those words said to us, about us, by US. We would NEVER speak to another human being the way we speak to ourselves within the ugly corners of our own thoughts. But here is the thing I do know…we can try to hide our light, bury it because we don’t believe we are worthy, build a suit of armor because we feel it somehow protects us, become invisible. But that is not God’s plan for us, I’m afraid. And perhaps, we are friends for just this reason. I see you. I love you. I’ve never seen your weight, and until reading this, I never saw your struggle. But I’m here, and if you need a hand, an ear, or a shoulder, you have one with me. XOXO
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This, simply THIS, is one of the reasons I absolutely adore you – as a woman, a human being, and as a dear, darling friend. Bless you, and know, if I need to, I will reach out.
This struggle is real; the woman within is stronger.
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